I was 2 months old when I first started travelling. Trains were my second home and living out of suitcases was a happy memory. I lived my life on the go for 13 years before my parents decided it was time to settle down for the sake of my education.
It’s been 21 years to that day and it’s truly been a 21 to life story.
21 years of history in 1 city.
21 years of people coming and going.
21 years of different version of me colliding with the past and present.
To say I’ve made the best choices in life would be a lie. Some of my choices have been questionable to say the least but the one powerful emotion that version of me felt in that moment was happiness.
To this day, driving down a particular street reminds me of the version of me that was so heavily depend on the approval and love of a boy who clearly wasn’t good enough for me.
The sight of a white motorcycle near a once beloved cafe reminds me of a version of me that went the ultimate stretch for a man who clearly discounted me as a woman.
The scent of a particular flower reminds me of a version of me that told a boy about her love for white roses and only received red in return.
A particular clothing brand reminds me of the numerous jackets I bought a boy who didn’t give me an ounce of respect in return.
A date, a song, a city, a life full of different versions of me, that felt it was okay to accept mistreatment in the name of love.
Looking back, do I regret anything?
Probably not because every experienced shaped me into making the better choices I am making today.
However, do I wish I had the chance to have a do over?
Maybe just once.
With one particular version.
With one particular me.
The one that still haunts me.
The one that still triggers me to this day when I least expect it.
The one that forces me to imagine scenarios at night as I lay waiting to fall asleep.
I wish….a lot of things.
And that’s what messes me up as I come face to face with these versions of me.
Memory is a fickle reminder but pain is a lifelong reminder.
And I’ve felt pain like no one lee.
But I think it’s best for the present me to not let the past version of me collide at supersonic speed into the nest of comfort and protection I’ve built around me now.
Nothing good ever came out of dwelling in the past.